The Brooklyn Bride

Mother’s little helper
New guide book has dos & don’ts for worried mother-of-the-bride

By Lisa J. Curtis
The Brooklyn Bride Editor

As Mother’s Day nears, we at The Brooklyn Bride are reminded of yet another day when moms mean so much, their daughters’ wedding day — and all of those many, many, many days of planning that lead up to the walk down the aisle.

Author Amy Zavatto has penned the irreverent, lighthearted book “The Pocket Idiot’s Guide to Being the Mother of the Bride” to let mom know what’s expected of her and most importantly, to ease the burdens on her during the wedding planning process.

In this slim (very portable) volume, Zavatto is quick to point out that although “the bride’s father gets more of a starring role during the ceremony and reception,” brides rely on their mothers not only for what’s in their purse but for their vital emotional and logistical support.

This former Carroll Gardens resident may not have been a mother of a bride herself, but Zavatto did interview several mothers of brides, sprinkling her book with their quotes, called “keepsakes,” so that much of the advice is straight from the horse’s mouth — from older-and-wiser moms who have already survived their daughters’ big days — and in some cases, several daughters’ big days.

The book is also an eye-opener for daughters, who may not realize the Pandora’s Box they presented to their mother when they accepted the velvet box with the diamond ring inside. While the daughter may think her mother’s reaction would be pure joy upon hearing of the engagement, Zavatto addresses the mother of the bride sympathetically, “When you first heard the news, it probably filled you with a multi-level-parfait mix of emotions and reactions: joy, sadness, fear, pride, stress, love, nostalgia, dread, protectiveness.”

But Zavatto addresses seemingly every fear a mother could have. One section that could be particularly handy for many Brooklyn moms, all of whom are simmering in this borough’s cultural melting pot, is “Averting culture clashes.”

Here, Zavatto writes, “Don’t understand a custom or a cultural difference? Ask about it. Instead of thinking to yourself, ‘That’s strange,’ or ‘That’s not what we do,’ learn why something is done and where that custom comes from. Understanding is the number-one way to combat fear and anger.”

And more good advice: “Don’t take it personally. Someone else’s different customs or habits do not represent a rejection of your own.”

Zavatto also lists pages of customs from dozens of cultures in the chapters on putting together a ceremony and reception.

She also has practical advice for mother on both how to adapt her own wedding dress for her daughter’s figure and step-by-step instructions on how to go wedding dress shopping without slipping into an irritable squabble (“Allot no more than three to four hours per dress-hunting trip.” And “Eat something!”).

As the name might imply, “The Pocket Idiot’s Guide” has advice addressing contemporary concerns for today’s mother.

Zavatto’s discussion of the wedding budget and how to save money (on wedding accoutrements that don’t matter as much to the bride, of course) is incredibly frank.

She writes, “Liquor is an area where many people worry that, if they limit the bar choices or open-bar hours, guests will get cranky. For one, this is a wedding, not a tailgate party. Second, it’s nice to have fun and enjoy spirits at a celebration, but you want to make sure your guests get home in one piece.”

There is even a chapter titled “Nuclear (Family) Disarmament,” which includes surviving the wedding festivities despite having an ex-husband in the room and discerning between when your daughter has jitters or when she feels she truly is making a mistake and is actually looking for a way out. (This topic is especially timely given one Georgia bride’s recent faked kidnapping in order to sidestep her impending nuptials.)

The book also contains wedding planning worksheets, a list of helpful Web sites and a multicultural glossary of wedding-related terms.

Yet, with all a daughter’s wedding day entails, perhaps the best gift a mother can give is perspective.

As mother Ellen, who reared brides Judith, Meg and Debra says in one of the “keepsakes”: “You make decisions that you feel are good, you find competent people to do the things they’re hired to do, and then you try to relax and remember what this is all about — the beginning of a life together and a joyful celebration, not a royal coronation.

“If this is truly the happiest day of the bride’s life, then why bother going on?” continues Ellen. “It’s a hugely important day, a wonderful day, but let’s have a little reality check here!””

“The Pocket Idiot’s Guide to Being the Mother of the Bride,” by Amy Zavatto (Alpha Books, $9.95), is available at, or can be ordered through, The Bookmark Shoppe [6906 11th Ave. at 69th Street in Dyker Heights (718) 680-3680], BookCourt [163 Court St. at Dean Street in Cobble Hill, (718) 875-3677] and Barnes & Noble [267 Seventh Ave. at Sixth Street in Park Slope, (718) 832-9066]. For more information, visit www.idiotsguides.com.

May 7, 2005 edition |. Read more about Brooklyn Weddings